So, I’m doing this thing… wanna come (Fall apart and be a mess)
Hi Friend,
I tried several times to write this newsletter last week. If you’ve read my previous posts, then you know I had already written about taking a break. I didn’t want to do that again so soon. But the truth is, I lost somebody very important to me last Monday. I wanted to tell you how much she meant to me, how important it is to let people who love us in. They make space for us to love others, ourselves, more fully. I wanted to reschedule our book club session because so few of us were able to be there on September 19th. I wanted to make my yoga classes on Monday and Wednesday mornings, and to keep going to the weight lifting classes at my local gym. I wanted to be able to get right back to things this week because I know that life goes on and I need to keep taking the next right action, even if my heart has broken. I wanted to keep living and to tell you why you should, too. But, the truth is I’ve fallen apart and I’m a mess.
I don’t know when I’ll be better or when I can make it through the day without crying. My loss is not as big as her husband’s or her children’s or her mother’s. My loss is that of a friend. But, it is the biggest loss I’ve ever experienced, and I’m doing the best I can. I’m hoping that this week is a little easier than last week and that next week will be a little easier than this one, but I don’t know because this has never happened to me before.
I’ve lost people that I’ve loved. But, this is the first time I’ve lost somebody so unexpectedly. So completely without warning. It was a random Monday morning. This is the first time I’ve lost someone who picked me to be part of their life for so long, over and over and over again. We were friends for more than 35 years. She was someone who knew me when I was younger, who continued to know me as I’ve gotten older, and who loved me anyway.
I know now just how blessed I’ve been to have such a deep and long friendship, and I can’t even share this with her. I can’t thank her for what she brought into my life, because I realized it too late. There’s a giant hole where she once was, and I don’t know what to do with it, or how to fill it or how to accept that she really is gone. The truth is, I’m a mess and I don’t know how to pick myself up just yet.
Sometimes in life, we have to let ourselves be an icky, sticky, goopy mess. Sometimes we don’t know how to move forward or what to do, and that’s okay. Life is imperfect. We are imperfect. The longer we live the more we’ll lose, and that is just the way it is. I’m determined to be positively transformed by this, but right now I’m a mess. I know there’s a light missing inside of me — even my six year old noticed. “Okay, Mom,” he said last Monday after I picked him up from his Dad’s house, “I know something’s wrong. You’re the sun and the moon, you’re not a blue moon, and you’re not acting like my Mom.” I know that so many people have noticed it, but I don’t know how to fix it. For right now, I’m sad, and I’m dim, and I know that my light is barely flickering. I’m more than a little big destroyed.
A friend shared a beautiful post on Facebook last week: “when life breaks you, it is because you are ready to be put back together differently.” I know I’ll come out of this a different person than I went in. “You are not broken, you are breaking through.” I am in pieces and at some point in the future, these pieces will reassemble. And I will come out a better version of myself. But, for now, I’ve fallen a part. And for whatever it’s worth, here's the newsletter this week. It is a little late, and a little messy, and I’m sorry for that. Thanks for hanging in there with me right now. It’s okay if you need to fall apart, too. I’ve got you.
Lots of love,
Christine
About me: My name is Christine K. Bailey. I’m a former travel writer and current marketing exec whose nomadic spirit has inspired me to take my work on the road whenever I can. After 20-plus years of living the status quo, I’ve thrown off the shackles of my upbringing and I’m living my life the way that works for me! I’m the mother of three boys (two of them grown and a 6 YO recently diagnosed with T1D). Life is crazy and wonderful and hard and meant to be lived as fully as possible. Me? I’m always wandering and exploring my internal landscape as diligently as the world around me. Writing is in my DNA and so is sharing what I’ve discovered, and this email is my new writing and adventure platform.
About this email: So, I’m doing this thing…wanna come? is a weekly email that I send out to a select group of people about what I’m reading, doing, struggling with and/or exploring. Topics run the gamut and can include anything from books to travel to somatic breathwork to self-sabotage. Sometimes I may interview others or share what I’ve tried and what works for me (or even what doesn’t). Sometimes I’ll be doing things out in the world (paddle boarding in Arizona, ubering on the Thames, or exploring a ghost tour in Denver) and I’ll share an invitation to come with me.
There is so much in the world for me to explore, and I’d love for you to join me whenever and however you can - whether IRL (in real life) or from your favorite chair. You may find you like some topics and don’t like others. That’s okay. Feel free to share any feedback here. Use what works and discard the rest, and please feel free to forward this email to anyone you think might like it, too.
I wanna come, too! Sign Up or Catch Up
If you received this email from someone else, be sure to officially subscribe here, so you can get next week’s letter, too. You can also catch up on past emails on my blog page here.
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At any point, if you want to unsubscribe, click here. Either way, thanks for joining me on this adventure!
Christine K. Bailey
